By - georgebool0101
After reading first paragraph, I had guessed you are an Engineer. Lmao
I'm not judging her, she's free to do what she wants. As I mentioned in the post, I just want to learn from the situation and be better next time.
If I wanted a soothing opinion, I would have asked people IRL. Thanks for being harsh lol.
This is the story of almost every adult male who is not used to communicating with the opposite gender
You talk as if all girls in India are amazing at communicating with opposite gender.
I think this was completely normal, meeting any new people is risky, knowing someone over internet is not the same as knowing someone, with profession at risk no one would do it, first jobs are important that way.
I think this is Better for OP also, dont change your team in vain, unless its a better job, focus on your work man.
Also you might be romanticizing this a bit, people say all sorts of things to just form connections for dating and such, I would think half the things people say over internet are straight up lies.
Maybe 'you' wouldnt like her as much in real life.
You're right. I'm switching teams as I like the other team's work.
I genuinely don't want romantic relationship but yeah, I learnt a lesson. Also she's filthy rich and doesn't care about the job. Maybe she has a guard on to not let people near her, you never know.
I don't think I romanticised her. Since I never had friends from opposite gender, I was invested for this reason. But it's over.
> I usually sleep early by 11 but just to continue the conversation with her I used to stay up till 2-3 AM
This is why
This is why what? Can you please elaborate?
I did not want a relationship to begin with. I had thought of her as a bestie kind of a thing maybe because of what I had seen in college. But it is my bad to expect such things as a grown adult! Thank You for the suggestion. I'm over her already but wanted to get fresh perspective on it.
Just got off a professional call with her.
I am over. I wanted to use this incident to understand the dynamics better and what best than reddit? That's why I made this post. I was having withdrawal symptoms early on not gonna lie but it's done now.
lmaooo. I could see myself in you just like a year back. Thankfully i learnt it in a not so old age.
Buddy I think you grew feelings for her without even knowing it. It happens. I get your original intention was merely forming friendships and start to interact with opposite gender to get used to it but since you've been deprived of opposite gender communication all your life, you're growing feelings. Tell me honestly, are you still looking for just friendship? or has it turned to wanting something more?
I wouldn't exactly call you a /r/niceguy but you kinda are. Learn how to escalate and deescalate relationships smoothly, and setting/respecting boundaries. In your case, it seems like you wanted a more traditional IRL friendship, but your friend seems to only want a online friendship. She wasn't leading you on. But rather your poor interpretation of boundaries is making you feel this way. Unless you guys already agreed about meeting offline, that is a boundary that neither of you should cross.
I also wanna say, dont ever go all around helping your new 'friends'. You're mere work buddies, and unless your friend is really reciprocating your help, you're overworking yourself for someone with no promise and setting yourself up for disappointment
If you still wanna save this online friendship you got, treat her like a normal guy friend.
Dont take it as an offense, I merely want to help you figure out what things you did wrong. Hopefully it clicks to you too and grow to be a better person
tl;dr /r/niceguys vibes, over stepped boundaries, grew onesided feelings and nicely set up for disappointment.
edit: I think it should be fair that I also give out my story just cuz. Met this person online, at first having no serious goals and just wanting a person to chit chat with, talked day and night leaving behind all my work, did her favors, my goals changed with her, now i wanted to be her good friend but also slowly get into a relationship with her. my feelings was not mutual. i hastily made decisions in anger when i found that out. we ghosted each other for the better. Do you draw any parallel here?
Wow, thank you for this.
Can you tell me about escalating and deescalating relationship means? Sounds interesting.
I didn't say anything to her. Just ended communication.
Man was I an anti-simp activist !
But yeah, learnt my lesson.
Sounds really dumb to me, I cant see why she wouldn't want to just meet you in real life and have some tea or get some food. But also isn't it a cultural thing in India that women dont meet men in public like that? Maybe I'm confused on the subject, but that does seem pointless
She goes out every weekend with her friends. Lot of them are guy.
If I was considered a friend, why would she deny?
maybe because she realized she shouldn't be friends with a coworker? That's a basic rule of workplace relationships.
Yeah, maybe. I realised it now, thanks to people of reddit.
I think it was just relationships right? Or is Being friends also unlawful now?
Not unlawful but not advisable. It's every man for himself and you don't know who to trust.
Plus, workplace friends can be a nightmare for efficiency.
Better to just keep it professional and that's it
Does she go out in a group setting? Or with a single guy?
Those are very different things.
She didn't want to go out in a group setting as well. I asked if her and another girl from the other team can catch up. She said no.
I am talking about other friends. Unless, you are already good friends with others in her friend circle, she shouldn't be hanging out with both of you
She addresses the other girl as her bestie 🙃
So, here is the thing:
1. You are friends. And not in relationship.
2. Hanging out outside work counts towards dating.
3. She does not want to signal that she is interested in you
Now, you are acting like you proposed to her and she insulted you. Which is an overreaction.
Grow up, bro. And talk to more people.
I've conveyed to her explicitly that I'm not looking to date or have romantic relationship with her. Infact she was talking about introducing me to her friends and we would click together.
I didn't know hanging out counts towards dating!
And yes, I should talk to more people. I'm inexperienced in that. Thanks for the suggestions.
Yes, it does. You may not say it, but every one else will be thinking it.
And if she tries to keep it secret, others will see it as suspicious and will dig more intensely.
Why don't you just talk to this other friend of hers? And see of anything clicks or what not.
Whatever the case, you should not be obsessed with either girl
I did have withdrawal symptoms early on but I'm over her now.
Just had a very professional call with her.
Don't want to commit the same mistake of being friends with the other girl now. But she seems chill. She even invited me to a short trip with her. Guess who's not going? Me. (for other reasons lol)
Just go, dude. It will do you good to do things casually with a group including girls… And help you not take things too seriously in the future.
Clashes with my other plans! Else would have gone.
No. You're misunderstanding her intentions and projecting a lot on her.
So you think that you have "offered" her good friendship, so her refusal to meet you feels like a betrayal. But hasn't she done the same thing to you as well? She's been a good enough online friend.
But if she's not comfortable with meeting you I person, just leave it at that. If she wants you to be a work friend and nothing more and you don't want that, stop talking to her.
But acting like she led you on or deceived you in anyway is unfair. Nobody asked you to start talking to her after work or on personal communication. That's on you.
Edit: like the others said, this is a workplace friendship, so you have to tread carefully anyway. Make friends through other means.
Absolutely. I'm not blaming her at all. It's my inability/inexperience with the other gender.
As you said I've stopped talking to her. I don't want an online friend. Had I known this earlier, I wouldn't have continued further at all. At the end, my attachment made it worse.
Basically, you’re overreacting and showing that this one girl is a big deal to you.
She may have her own reasons, never try to guess them. Maybe she doesn’t want to start a trend of meeting you after work because she thinks other people in office will gossip about her. If she tries to keep it a secret, it’s even more likely to blow up. Maybe her family are conservative and she’s afraid of being seen. Whatever. Doesn’t matter.
If you had multiple female friends, you wouldn’t make a big deal of this. By the way, refusing to talk to her is overreacting. Just realize that she isn’t that important a part of your life (yet) and phase the conversations down. Still be friends with her, just don’t jump ahead and put these “bestie” tags on her yet. She’s not that important. She’s just another girl. Keep talking to her so that you learn to understand girls, and hopefully when you meet the next girl, you will be able to treat her like just any other girl. That’s exactly what girls want in friends, people who won’t obsess and go overboard with every little thing they do - that’s what toxic boyfriends are for.
May be she is in love with other guy and meeting with you in real may cause her to fall in love with you 😅...
May be the other guy is in love with OP and this girl is acting villain
The crossover we never asked for lol
Bhai tera username pasand aaya.
bro, you can throw some sodium on me. But don't say this lol
You went to extremes both times. First by liking her and changing your life for her. Second by blocking her.
If you stay normal and take things casually, it works to attract opposite gender. It is hard to get a girl if you are trying too hard for it. Play smart.
Friends are also important. If you have felt some comfort with her and trust her, you can be friend with her but don't let other thoughts cross your mind.
And I think we all play games. We all have a way to get what we want. Don't think much about it. Be chill.
She probably thought you wouldn't like her in person
Having said that it's unlikely she was romantically interested in you but she probably assumed you are and meeting you would complicate things
I have told her explicitly that I'm not into her romantically. We've even talked about her tieing Rakhi had I been in the same city. So that was crystal clear.
Right. Weird female. Could be mental issue, family issue, anxiety, introvert etc etc. tough to say.
Her family is filthy rich. Maybe she's on her guard all the time.
Yeah that could be.
I think she may hangout if it’s a group meet up.
You are literally asking her out. Why would she hangout with you?
Nope. There's another girl from the other team. She didn't want to have a group meet with me being there.
She met her individually though.
I'm not asking to hangout daily but if she addresses me as a friend, wouldn't friends catch up when you're in the city?
Girls don’t usually hangout with guys alone for several reason. Ranging from security concern to boyfriend. Who knows what’s in her mind.
Lots of people meet thier better halfs on work. It's that way because people can easily meet others and converse and work provides a platform(even if it's unintended). This is very similar to how people find thier significant half by pursuing thier leisures, hobbies, and what not.
Relationships needs a platform to form and work(unfortunately) too provides it.
a guy did this to me, so no it's not limited to women. i think yes it is to take advantage of the relationship as per their convenience. they want to be the ones in control of the situation. i was fooled badly because he said he was free to meet for 2 days, so i planned on meeting on the 2 days. when i came to his country he checked in if i was still meeting him. i said yes. he meets me one day and we have a great time. plan was to meet next day but he started making excuses while telling me, you must be thinking i'm making excuses but someone else has come to town from a nearby state and so i can't meet you. it was fucking humiliating, especially since i'd travelled all the way from a different country.
Would you block a male friend you met online because the decided to not meet in person? Of course not; you’re pissed because she doesn’t want to fuck you.
Goddamn being a woman in India must be fucking nightmare if they can’t even work without dealing with this bullshit.
Please don't shit with your mouth or rather keyboard. I know I'm at wrong here but don't put words in my mouth.
I wanted a genuine normal IRL friendship. I had even called her "sister" on Rakshabandhan and she said she would have tied Rakhi if I was in the same city. So, no, I didn't want to engage in sexual relations with her. Her denying to meet me didn't have any effect on her work. In fact, I gave genuine good feedback about her and she even got a raise "after all this happened".
But I do agree that it's difficult for women to work without dealing with sexual intentions in the workplace not just in India but all around the world.
Also, I don't know of any male friend who is going to say "I can't meet you IRL, let's keep it online".
There is no other way to say this, you are socially incompetent. Work on your social skills.
Actually, reading your post, I think you are already aware that this is an issue and are trying to work on it. Just think of this as one learning experience towards your overall goal (improving social skills).
Absolutely. This post was done to help me learning the right lessons from people.
Approach this with the same mindset as you would for learning any other skill. I am sure you could not have spent 23 years on earth without having learnt anything, so you probably know the basic process of acquiring any skill. Getting yourself lots of practice and experience. Trying to observe what people good at the skill do, and trying to learn from them. Willingness to explore, make mistakes and learn from them. And so on and so forth. Just apply all of that to this goal.
One idea: join a dance school (e.g. salsa/bachata). You will get to interact
with a lot of people from different backgrounds, including many girls.
Feel free to DM if you want to talk further.
I think what strikes me the most in your post is how you blocked her on everything.
First of all, that’s immature. You’re well into being an adult now, and that’s how children act.
Second of all, won’t it be awkward when you’re in the same office?
Third of all, you were really good friends with her for months, even calling her “sister,” and this was all through messaging her.
Messaging her made you happy.
You felt rejected (which you shouldn’t have - she did nothing wrong), and then you wanted her to feel the same way.
Your behaviour makes me cringe.
Be a man and apologize, even if you still don’t want to be her friend. If you don’t, you are immature and rude. If you do, you will prove to yourself that you are able to grow as a person, you are kind, and you are caring. Those are traits I personally want in a friend.
>Second of all, won’t it be awkward when you’re in the same office?
That's why I'm switching teams. Even if I did not, I would not care. Once I let go of something, I don't want to look back.
>Third of all, you were really good friends with her for months, even calling her “sister,” and this was all through messaging her. Messaging her made you happy.
Not exactly the *messaging.* The fact that there is a human behind the messages and I can have a real human connection made me happy. That is why I wanted to meet up in the first place when I was in the city.
>You felt rejected (which you shouldn’t have - she did nothing wrong), and then you wanted her to feel the same way.
I did feel rejected and the second part about making her feel the same might be partially true. I again partially agree with the fact that she hasn't done anything wrong. When you have been good friends (or even bro-sis for that matter), it is natural that either of them would want to meet in person when you're in the city. I couldn't digest the fact that she maybe didn't trust me to meet up?! If so, I felt that I wasted all my time fostering a relationship that has no meaning but endless online chats! She might have wanted only that and there was no way for me to realize it early on. If I had realized it, I wouldn't have engaged that lot with her and kept it just formal.
>Be a man and apologize, even if you still don’t want to be her friend. If you don’t, you are immature and rude. If you do, you will prove to yourself that you are able to grow as a person, you are kind, and you are caring. Those are traits I personally want in a friend.
I made contact with her again and have kept it casual/normal now. I don't think I need to apologize. (I did tell her that it was my mistake that I took it personally and I shouldn't have). She made no effort to communicate after this incident which made me realize that it was all a game for her and as many suggested, girls have a lot of guys texting them and wanting to be their friend. I'm by no means special and disposable (at least to her). I came to this conclusion again when I asked her about a cafe that she goes to every weekend and I asked the name of that cafe. She said, "I won't tell you". Did she think that I might come there to stalk her or something? Maybe I'm overthinking this but that shit hurt and made me feel undervalued.
I have unblocked her and not made extra efforts to converse with her. Even if we meet in the office later, I would not be comfortable going out with her after this. She went out with this girl and another guy from the other team. She hasn't met them at the office too just like me. Even when I suggested that three of us can meet (me, her and the girl from another team), she wasn't a fan of it. She literally said, "I won't meet you" (and then said we'll meet at the office and make it organic). Doesn't this clearly indicate that I'm not being valued? I don't want my inexperience with females to make me think that I am of no value (which I did think initially and thanks to Reddit I overcame it).
Also, she isn't wrong in any means in denying to meet me. It is completely her choice. I'm not blaming her or anything. It's just that I don't feel right about this and don't wish to continue the relationship any further.
If she chats with you till 2-3 AM, definitely she has feelings for you, who chats with a friend till 3 AM ?, maybe she is giga introvert
She's not an introvert, she usually sleeps at 2-3. I don't think she has feelings for me.
My story. I had a girl who did not want to meet me. She would not give any reason. She used to give stupid excuses. Such women are spineless. Chuck that woman out of your life.
> Chuck that woman out of your life.
Yes going to do that but respectfully.
Just ghost her. She led you on and left you dry. Fk respect.
Can't really ghost since we work together 😅
Man you really shat where you eat.
Lol yeah. Lot of them told me this.
Better now than later. Learnt a lesson.
Wait till you get married.
OG reply right there
Never dip your pen in company's ink.