"Your honor, just look at this man's smile and tell me that is not the smile of a good person who can do no wrong."


*preist smiles*


A dozen children proceed to die to this alone


Your honour it wasnt a hate crime He loved doing it


Your honor, it was funny


Your honor, my client was just being a good Priest and supporting the Pro-life cause. On the other hand, Mr. Emiya, our supposed hero, prevented the birth by force using a dagger. I must really ask you to consider who is in the right here.


"The last time an abortion was this violent, Asvathamann was using a nuclear bomb to try one! Now your honor, would the priest with dozens of years of service to our fine and not on fire town be truly at fault here?"


He took care of a colleagues dog after she died.




Also he took care for his teacher daughter and family after said teacher died due mysterious causes. He been taken care of said. Even though she was being hostile to him because she still was accepting the death of her father.


Best answer so far


Are you trying to imply that father Kotomine isn’t a good person??






At best I might be able to swing an insanity plea for ya.


But he’s not insane. At least not legally. A huge part of his character is that he understands right and wrong


simply being able to discern right from wrong doesn't make you sane. Kirei is quite explicitly insane, as opposed to being evil. Well, then again, Nasu is the one saying that, and he also said that Makihisa was not evil, so maybe he just has some super elitist standard in that regard.


>Well, then again, Nasu is the one saying that, and he also said that Makihisa was not evil, so maybe he just has some super elitist standard in that regard. Nasu isn't an expert in mental health, legal definitions, or philosophy, so his statement in this regard can't really be taken as anything more than his own personal perspective.


He isn't, but he is the one who created the character, so who are you to say that his words should be ignored?


Other people with critical thinking skills, such as the ability to analyze text and come to our conclusions based upon the information actually presented instead of incongruous statements that do not align with the facts?


Right, not the author.


Death of the author. Also, are you seriously going to tell me that you accept raping people is "Good" (Makihisa being a serial rapist) or the action of a "good person"? If the author states one thing, and then spends all of their writing contradicting it, its pretty foolish to accept the statement and throw out the actual text. It may have been Nasu's intent that Makihisa was "good" but he very clearly failed to write such a character. Either way, you have to ignore something the author wrote, I just think it should be the non-diegetic statement about them, whereas your arguing it should be the actions and description of the character in their universe.


It's a good thing he didn't spend all of his writing depicting Kirei as not being insane then.


I must have missed it if he did. I know Kirei wasn't incapable of controlling himself, as he very clearly made decisions about whether or not to pursue or set aside his sadistic urges. So can you remind me what he did that would qualify for insanity? When he was incapable of comprehending what he was doing? When he was incapable of understanding the consequences of his actions?


Nah it kinda does. Although Kirei condition still is complicated though


from [dictionary.law.com](https://dictionary.law.com) >insanity > >n. mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior. Insanity is distinguished from low intelligence or mental deficiency due to age or injury. Being unable to discern right from wrong is a form of insanity, not the only one.


I just find it hard to define him


So do I, and I wouldn't be able to define his specific mental state, but he is definitively insane


How so? He knows right from wrong, perfectly understands the consequences of his actions, and he's shown he's very capable of *not* giving in to his dark impulses, he just doesn't want to. Nothing about his personality or behavior actually sounds like insanity. If anything he's a sociopath, not insane.




Right and wrong is a complex topic, it completly depends of the person regardless of humanity´s created rules. And Kirei completly knows what is right and whats is wrong. He also knows that he has a flaw: to him, Love is Despair, and Pain is Joy. If he was oblivious to that, that would make him insane, but he knows. He just enjoys to make people suffer in order to complete his objectives.


Your honor my client stalking a woman, gutting her into 17 pieces, and watching her suffer in agony was a refrence to the early 2000 Visual Novel Tsukihime He was simply upping he grindset. My client has done nothing wrong


Why did I read this in saul goodman's voice? Lmao


Tf? Is _that_ what happened to Bazette?


Nah, it's Arc. Bazett just got her arm chopped off and shanked.


Your honor he was only eating Mapo tofu when the crime of scene happen.


> Hi, I’m Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? Constitution says you do, and so do I. Kirei is found innocent on all charges within the hour


Your honor, my client did nothing wrong, humanity was NOT innocent, humans was clearly annoying. But honestly, kirei has a possibility of being thrown in mental asylum instead of being judged guilty since the judge might judge that he is not right in mind.


*clears throat* Your Honor My client was clearly driven into insanity by the death of his father and the manipulations of Gilgamesh who pushed him further and further when Kirei was in a vulnerable position. As such we make the insanity plea on the grounds that at the times he committed his crimes he did not know that what he was doing is wrong. He deserves not to be executed but instead given help at an asylum with appropriate security for him.


This is actually quite good


Thank you


Your Honor, Mr Kotomine has provided a large contribution to the community with his many years of service. He has served as the friendly priest for many of Fuyuki's citizens.Furthermore, he has contributed to many philanthropic enterprises. He took in victims of the Fuyuki Fire and housed poor immigrants from Ireland and Iraq. He has also motivated many of his congregation to achieve their dreams, and provided them the resources to critically analyze, and fufill those dreams. Would you be able to live with yourself depriving the community of such an integral element? And for what? Baseless conspiracy theory and slander from the prosecution!


You can't control what you enjoy. You don't decide how you're born.


Your Honor my client adopted a dozen children that were left orphaned from the fuyuki fire a few years ago. He has cared for these children and ensured that their hearts are put in the right place. Yes many of those orphans are no longer with us, but they lived a little longer because of him. (All orphans were killed, but they can't find the bodies so that can't pin it on him).


Why would he be judged He is such a nice guy He takes care of poor orphans in his basement Lets a homeless blonde live with him Takes good care of his dog Offers you Mapo Tofu Saves a little girl Guy should have the key of the City But he is getting judged for no reason while 35 year old woman sleeps with a teenager


He's also a widowed loving father.


My client is a devoted man of God! And what is he accused of exactly? Do you honestly believe a 40 year old priest to be responsible of the tragic volcanic eruption that happened in Fuyuki? By use of... witchcraft? Please your honor, let's not make a mokery of the court any more, why this trial is even proceeding is beyond me


Exactly, how the hell did he get sent to court with the church and all that covering everything up?


Your Honor he single handedly sacrificed his life to stop a terrorist hired assassin called Kiritsugu Emiya.


Your honour, before we begin, I would like to define the concept of good and evil.


Your honor it was because of self defense


Your honour, the ways of the Lord are truly mysterious, dagger and fistfighting included.


Your honor, my client, Priest Kotomine is innocent, he was helping the birth of a child to continue while our faker of a “hero” mercilessly tried to take both his and the childs life. He claims to be a “hero of justice” but also wants to follow in his fathers step, but who was this “heroes” father you ask, non other than the merciless murderer Kiritsugu Emiya, now why would a someone wanting to be a hero also want to follow in the steps of a murderer, they wouldn’t, but thats not all the heinous crimes Shirou has committed, he also stole multiple priceless artifacts from my clients friend, then decided to protect the person the mercilessly murdered Kirei’s friend. I ask everyone in this courtroom, how is my client considered evil when this faker of a hero is considered to be just!


*EMIYA sitting on the jury* "The priest is right! That Faker is guilty! Hang him now I got the rope right here!"


Me: Your honor, as you can see. Mr. Kotomine's reasoning for almost destroying the world is simply that he's pro-life. There's no instance of him explicitly saying he wanted to destroy the world(though he probably said that in one form or another) Also! If we look at what happen. It was actually Mr. Emiya that was the aggressor. Mr. Kotomine was simply doing things for self defence! Isn't that right, Kotomine? Kirei: I wanted him to die.. Me: You see your honor!! He's in no condition to be in the stand like this after suffering concussion after concussion! Judge: And... What about the bodies discovered in his basement? Me:.... He uhh.... He forgot about them? He has severe ptsd from after the Fuyuki fire 10 years ago Kirei: I started that fire Judge:... Did he just admit to killing hundreds of people?.. Me:..... I plead insanity😶😶😶


This is how it would actually go.


Your honour he took in multiple orphans and let them live in his church, sheltering and feeding them to- I mean keeping them fed for over 10 years. These charges are slander


Your honor my client is clearly gay because of how he was raised he believe him self to be a devil bottled up anger and confusion over the years would only end up in murder if anything I request hey be sent to a mental facility to get the therapy he needs what “where’s my proof?” Your honor the last time I checked he hasn’t been Obsess with any women


*meanwhile the dead wife and alive child*


Make it even funnier when Japan was constantly saying that kotomine and kiristugu should just bone and get it over with


depend which crime should I defend


I don’t think they can charge him with anything. Maybe if they can prove a few murders?


Your honor he only wants your wish to be granted.


Cool motive Still murder


"Your honor, those kids were affected with ligma, their sugon values are above the acceptable numbers in the updog scale, and only the most thorough application of layon can save them"


But your honor he is a priest are you implying preisits are evil


Archer/Saber: aw, but he sucks. What did you say? What do you mean? What do you mean, what do I mean? You know Kotomine. How do YOU know, Kotomine? I don't know Kotomine he just sounds stupid. No, you. No, you. Fine, whatever.


Your Honour, my client does not have a beating Heart, which means he is dead for all practical purposes and thus no laws for normal people can apply on him


Everything wrong he did is supernatural stuff so it's not gonna come up in the trial. For everything else, Kotomine has high af PR. He is actually a really good pastor and his flock adores him, plus his advice helps you a lot. Idk what the trial would even be for, the corpses in the basement could be chalked up to weird shit cause normal humans can't survive shit like that. The Church is gonna have him executed the second the trial is over tho, even if we're just talking about the basement.


Kirei Kotomine, for ten years, limited the actions of the exceedingly dangerous servant, Gilgamesh, to the pursuit of non-destructive whims. His utilization of the orphaned survivors of the Fuyuki fire was not only ingenious as a means of diverting Gilgamesh's attention from more destructive means of power gathering, but well within the bounds of association policy. Said policy, approved by the Holy Church, governs Kotomine's Magus activity due to the accused's dual nature as both an agent of the church and magus. Kotomine's actions in this regard do not deserve punishment, but recognition for their efficient use of the limited resources at hand. Additionally, it must be noted that Kotomine, over the decade following the fourth war, nurtured and developed the necessary personality, character, and physical traits in several of the individuals that ultimately neutralized both the errant servant and the grail itself. Whether by direct oversight of the Toshaka heir, or indirect prodding of the Emiya head, Kotomine was instrumental in placing these two on the necessary path to their ultimate victory. While his methods may have been unorthodox, and his personality particularly acerbic, Kirei Kotomine was an integral piece in insuring a relatively tame conclusion to the Fuyuki crisis.


I mean, if we're being honest, kirei would be the easiest case in the world to make and insanity plea. No sane judge in the world would ever send this man to prison. And IF he did, it would be easy as hell to contact any psychologist to testify his insanity and get him out of there. The only way kirei would ever go to prison would be if fucking astraea was the judge


Honestly? I don't think he meets the criteria of an insanity defence in any jurisdiction I'm aware of. He's obviously not mentally well, of course, but the major criterion in play is whether or not the defendant could tell right from wrong at the time, and Kirei has literally never been characterized as lacking that ability at any point in his life. Kirei was, for all intents and purposes, born *evil*, not born *crazy*. He knows that the things which bring him pleasure are deeply morally fucked up and that it's fucked up for him to be that way; that he cannot help but be that way is neither here nor there as far as the law's concerned. He could, in all likelihood, *lie* very effectively to fake it, because he's a world class pathological liar, but if we're accounting for that you might as well just argue he'd be able to convince a jury that he didn't actually attempt to end the world multiple times. It would actually be very hard to find a psychologist or legal professional that genuinely believed him to not be responsible for his actions.


That’s incorrect. He knows what he’s doing is wrong. And he takes pleasure in doing it. He’s a sadistic psychopath in the most direct sense of the word. He’s not insane and any sane judge WOULD sentence him to life in prison or even give him the death sentence.


Me: kirei was just person suffering from mr Emily crimes


Your honour are baby is sinful? They just born into this world from tough battle against life of death getting out from their mother womb, they just alive for a few moments can they been sinful? To do evil you have to know own desire weather it for good or bad. Once you do evil therefore you wouldn't care weather about moral at this point. That's what it mean to being sinful. You have aware of your deeds therefore it wouldn't fair to destroy All World's Evil just because they would turn this world into living hell. Even that's what will happen are they only move upon people wishes not own their own will in fact they hardly have will on their own. Therefore the act of harbouring All World's Evil by Kotomine Kirei is simply because he is pro-life as faithful priest. Here I rest my case your honour.


"Hey judge, do you want to go the Mafu Tufu way, or releasing my client way? Glad we've come to an agreement. Mr. Kotomine, you're free to go"


1. He took in orphans and put a roof over there head 2. He always tell the truth 3. He has been a priest for many years 4. He eats Mapo tofu so it doesn't go to waste 5. He has taken in a dog after its owner died 6. And is raising his mentors monkey after his mentor died 7. He bought Rin clothes out of kindness 8. He taught Rin self defence 9. Rin saved shirou emiyas due to his guidance 10. He saved Sakura matou for no other reason then to be nice... probably 11. He looks out for the weak like shinji by giving him a Gilgamesh And much more


Out of curiosity what dog are you talking about?




“Dog” Sorry Misspelled


Cu And the monkey is Gilgamesh ​ He refers to Cu as dog and Gil as a monkey in tiger coliseum


Oh I see


Me: Not guilty verdict says what? Judge: What? Judge: Aw damn got me again Reddit lawyer


Better call saul


Given the title, I suppose this means that I will be representing myself. People of the jury, I am a man of God. Everything I do is in the name of our Lord Nakata, and nothing he does can be considered a crime. Now let us remember that most of the actions I am being judged for took place during the grail war.... probably. Let us also not forget that in war, killing is a-okay. For my final point, I shall now give a full account of my actions during the 5th Holy Grail War; which has been documented and dated in the [Kotomine Church archives](https://myanimelist.net/clubs.php?cid=63185) - which I suggest all you filthy heretics join if you want to be saved from hell. With the 5th Holy Grail War quickly approaching, both Gilgamesh and I were excited to begin our new journey to victory. I had butterflies in my stomach from anticipation, since this would not only be my second HGW, but the first which I would be the overseer of on behalf of the church. Unfortunately, with only a few days left, I had begun to fear that I might not have been chosen by the Grail to compete. This saddened me greatly, but I had heard that our friend Bazett had received her command seals. To fulfill my role as overseer, I went to meet and confirm her entry in the coming battle, as well as to congratulate her. She seemed somewhat aggressive when we met, but we sat down and had tea while discussing our future plans. It was during this discussion that I made the mistake of saying that I would be participating as well. Upon hearing these words, Bazett went into attack mode and lunged at me like a fierce animal. Clearly, she had decided that if I was to be involved, she would need to eliminate me before I became a threat. This cold and calculated attack scared me, and it was all I could do to defend myself while pleading that she show mercy since the war had not started. I tried to escape through the front door, but Bazett had grabbed by hand with a steely and determined grip that told me nothing short of my death could satisfy her. I instinctively pulled my hand back, but to my regret, I had forgotten how great my manly strength was. So determined was I to protect myself that I did not think to control the force which my bulging muscles were exerting. The result was that when I pulled my arm back, I had inadvertently torn Bazett’s arm off cleanly. In the next instant, she had fallen on the ground unconscious from loss of blood, and I was left standing there horrified. Fearing that she might die, I needed to contact the hospital to save this poor woman’s life. Since this was 2004, however, I did not have a cell phone to call, and using Bazett’s home phone without permission would have been rude. I therefore rushed outside and began frantically jogging to the nearest hospital. To my dismay though, I did not know where the hospital in Fuyuki was, so I decided to head home. It turned out that a dog named Lancer had followed me. Seeing this as a sign from God, I decided that I should use this opportunity to take Bazett’s command seals and join the Holy Grail War. Gilgamesh and I were thrilled with Lancer’s skill, so we decided to send him out on errands one day since we were running low on milk. On his way home, he had apparently noticed that my young apprentice Rin was all alone at school after dark. Knowing this to be a dangerous time with the start of the Holy Grail War, he decided to escort her home with my approval. Unfortunately for Lancer, she recognized him as a servant and ruthlessly attacked him with her own. With his back against the corner, our boy fought valiantly against these aggressors, in the course of which a young ginger was spotted rubbernecking. Upon seeing this, Lancer got very excited since he loves meeting new people and always liked making friends. The young boy, unwisely, started running away, which only makes Lancer more excited to chase after. Finally catching up inside the school, a tragedy occurred. Through no one’s fault of their own, the young careless boy who was trespassing on private property had tripped over himself. Likely on drugs, he flew off-balance and landed on Lancer; impaling himself on the spear. Both Lancer and I were shocked, and I knew the boy needed an ambulance immediately. Regretfully though, I was sitting comfortably with Gilgamesh in the church lounge while this occurred, and the nearest phone to me was in the next room. While pondering whether to sacrifice the comfort of the warm sofa, I realized that the call would be long distance. I therefore instructed Lancer to race to the nearest hospital to fetch a doctor as fast as possible. To my surprise, the boy had disappeared upon Lancer’s return. Fearing that Rin had finished off the helpless child and disposed of the body, we searched frantically to find him. To our initial relief, we found the daywalker safe at home after likely escaping Rin’s lust for murder. Our relief was short lived, however, as the young man took up a weapon and attacked Lancer. With his life now in tremendous peril, my servant acted as any reasonable person could have in self-defence. Something truly unexpected happened next, when a servant came out of nowhere to join the child in his assault. This was obviously an ambush, and the ginger had merely feigned an injury to lower our defences. With a heavy heart upon realizing how uncivilized this war has made all of us, I reluctantly gave Lancer the go ahead to use his noble phantasm. This sufficiently injured the attacking servant enough for Lancer to make his escape, which I ordered him to do immediately. Tragically, a mysterious shadow would soon emerge and vanquished Lancer. With this, my formal involvement as a participant in the Holy Grail War had come to an end, and it was deep shock to me. Gilgamesh joined me the following day, and we both walked to the pet cemetery where a memorial for Lancer was held. We both wept bitterly. I was not involved in the war much for the next few days. I spent the time healing the injured, and counselling the mentally ill. Then one morning, I was awoken suddenly once again – this time by a knock at the front door of the church. Grabbing my black keys, I rushed towards the entrance. Whether the cause of the disturbance was a hulking servant or hooligan pranksters, their fate would be the same either way. Looking out the window, I chanced to see what seemed to be a visually impaired mother abandoning her children on the church steps. I naturally assumed she gave up on parenting and threw her children away – as many “modern” parents that dye their hair purple are likely to do in this disgraceful society. I decided right there to take these children in. After all, with the coming end of this Holy Grail War (not to mention any future ones that might take place), it was important to harvest as much mana as possible; and unfortunately, the orphans in the basement had begun running dry as of late. This, I thought, was Lord Nakata’s answer to my prayers. Upon examining them, I was surprised to find that the abandoned children were my student Tohsaka Rin and - less surprisingly - Emiya Shirou. The decision was made to spare them for now, since I may have needed human shields before the war was resolved. Both were severely injured, and needed to be cared for. Apparently, Rider did not have enough common sense to know that Rin’s mana would recover best within her own home; or maybe she knew this, and just left me to take her home. Both possibilities greatly annoyed me. This church is not some animal shelter where I return lost pets. Nonetheless, I performed my duty as a good civilian by dragging Rin to my car, slowly driving by Tohsaka’s house, and chucking her at the front door like a newspaper. To anyone familiar with my plan, you would know that it is preferable that Matou Zouken does not have the Einzbern Holy Grail. It was therefore disappointing, though far from unexpected, to learn that Shirou failed to prevent this. Dark Sakura had managed to take the LoliGrail, which meant an effort would need to be made to take it back. I pondered over this while waiting for Shirou to finally regain consciousness. After taking advantage of my hospitality yet again, it was difficult to resist the urge to throw him out the window. This church is not a hotel, and I should not be expected to provide shelter to a child that is too stupid to survive in his own house. Finally, he began to stir. After explaining to the dimwit how he ended up here and assuring him that Rin was safely delivered home, Shirou seemed to lose his nerve and broke down. He became a pile of rage and self-loathing, and kept raving about needing to save everyone he doomed. Never did he remind me more of Kiritsugu than at that moment. The two of us entered the Einzburn forest, and began making our way to Illya’s Castle. With great enthusiasm, I took this opportunity to have a mighty good jog through the forest. We were making very good time, and I began thinking through the different scenarios of what might happen - while ignoring Shirou panting and heaving behind me as he tried to keep up. Eventually, we stopped running and I let Emiya have a quick break - to spare his dignity, if nothing else. It was then that I reminded him to not focus on Sakura at this moment, and just concentrate on bringing Illya back safely.


***Part 2:*** Shirou, once again, lost his nerve, and began advocating for the death of Sakura's unborn child. Worrying about her dying while giving birth, he threw a tantrum and accused me of allowing evil to come into the world. How dare he? The liberal education system has become monstrous indeed if a boy like Shirou is attempting to kill an unborn child without the consent of the mother. I then remembered how Kiritsugu wanted to use the power of the grail to force everyone into being "good" and eliminating all "evil". Between that and what Shirou was saying now, it suddenly dawned on me that the Emiya household was partial to fascism. It was not enough for them to allow people to make their own choices in life whether good or bad; these authoritarians wanted to make sure everyone did the right thing – and for them, the “right thing” seemed to be whatever they want at the moment. Take this shadow killer, for example. Up until recently, Shirou would have agreed that it was “right” to save innocent people by taking out the serial killer – but that was before he discovered the killer was his sexy housemaid. Oh yes, now that he knows the murderer is a big-tittied skank that he wants to bang – only now has he become “enlightened” enough to understand that, on second thought, keeping her alive is what’s “right”. This has now gotten to the point where he is preaching about the necessity of non-consensual abortions. Finally reaching the castle, I concluded that Illya would likely not be held near ground level where she could easily escape. The balance of probability laid in her being in an isolated room on the top floor. It was then a question of how to reach her as fast as possible and making a hasty retreat. I could sense Assassin was nearby, and would soon interrupt our rescue. I therefore asked Shirou if he had ever gone rock climbing up a building before. He replied to me that he had not - which was fine all the same, since my actual plan wouldn't be anything like rock climbing anyway. Grabbing the back of Shirou's stupid shirt, I lifted him up over my head and wound back my arm. Breathing steadily, I loaded as much mana as I could into my arm and launched the brat into the air using the Bajiquan technique: 扔白痴 This succeeded in catapulting Shirou 50 feet into the air and crashing through the top floor window. I stood there for a moment admiring how precise my accuracy was. I would have certainly made a great name for myself in the popular American sport called “Base Ball”. In any case, the time to ponder such trivialities were fleeting. I leapt through the air, landing gracefully through the broken window. Shirou was still there, of course, and rather than carrying out the simple act of abducting a child, he instead was wasting time giving a soliloquy to Illyasviel about how much he loves jailbait. Fortunately, being a priest, abducting children swiftly is a talent that comes naturally. I saw my opportunity, and the time for netorare was at hand. I grabbed the small girl and jumped out the window with her in my arms. Shirou, the tool, jumped out the window after me without using any magic to break his fall, and landed right on his face; I almost died from laughter right there. Afterwards, I started a brisk jog into the forest away from the castle. In my peripheral vision, I caught Assassin frolicking next to us. The next moment after noticing this, daggers whizzed through the air barely missing me. It didn’t take long before Assassin was ready to throw more, but by then I was prepared. Having reached into my frock for black keys, I managed to deflect the daggers safely away. With me being armed now, Assassin must’ve realized I was not the vulnerable one amongst us. Soon he started taking aim at the defenseless ginger; who squealed like a pig while making embarrassing efforts to dodge the daggers. For my part, I assisted him whenever the projectiles were particularly accurate by planting my boot into Shirou from behind. This propelled him hundreds of meters ahead, out of the daggers’ path. I would have certainly made a great name for myself in the popular sport called “Foot Ball”. Things were going well, until a most unexpected wildcard stormed the field. From the depths of the forest somewhere behind us, the mighty roar of Hercules Alter rang out. His feral viciousness seemed to echo all around us and shook the trees. That menacing growl reverberated with newly found heights of savagery. No one who heard that roar could doubt that he was ready to rip apart any human limb-from-limb if they were standing between him and his former master. At this point, I called for Shirou to stop, and handed him Illya to look after. I told them to escape by any means necessary while I bravely went to fight Assassin completely on my own. It was now on me to avenge my dear friend, my fallen canine, once and for all. I ran forward in the direction that I last saw Assassin. Behind me, I could hear the monstrous Berserker crashing through trees as he plowed passed my location. This was followed closely by ear-piercing squeals and cries for help; though I could not tell whether they came from Illyasviel or Shirou. When Assassin and I finally met and battled, it began in close quarters with rapid exchanges of blows. I noticed that assassin was an appalling fighter. His attacks were so deliberate that I did not even need to use my "Hearing a Move" ability to be able to counter them. Even if a blow landed, it would have been so feeble that I probably would not even feel it. What this True Assassin really needed was a sandwich. Nonetheless, I followed my normal strategy, and aimed my blows at his eyes and groin; though honestly, I was not convinced he had eyes behind that mask, and even less confident about what he had between his legs. I performed my super Bajiquan technique ‘Six Grand Opening- Elbow Upthrust’ right at assassin’s ridiculous mask, sending him tumbling to the ground in a heap. I then had an idea. I started throwing dozens of black keys at the scrawny servant. Before heading out earlier that day, I knew how violent this expedition to Illya’s castle might get, so I made sure to arm myself with enough black keys to survive a crusade before I left the church. This meant that I could throw a barrage of blades without ever worrying about running out. Assassin began leaping between trees and bushes evading my attacks; but when he landed in front of a particularly thick shrubbery, something changed. This time when I threw my projectiles, he deflected them away with a dagger. By this method, I then knew that Zouken must have been hiding in those bushes - a very typical hiding spot for a creepy old man like him. Zouken must have realized he was discovered, for Assassin immediately preformed his Noble Phantasm, Zabaniya. His deformed arm stretched out and shot towards me – pressing his fingers against my chest. Then something stirred inside of me – as if a creature was trying to burst out. I fell to the ground. Surprisingly, as I lay there, I discovered that I was fine. Assassin’s Noble Phantasm did not hurt me at all. This made me start to chuckle. While standing back up, the chuckling turned into laughter - and then that turned into uncontrollable laughter. My body started to feel rejuvenated; I was growing full of magic! Full of might! Full of YUETSU!! Finally getting to my feet, I started conjuring as much strength and magic as I could. I looked over at Assassin while still laughing; I could see his dumbfounded expression behind his mask. My laughter finally subsided long enough to tell him, "If that was your best attack, then allow me show you what a real Noble Phantasm looks like. Rejoice!" At that moment, I activated my ‘Hear a Move’ mindset. I knew Assassin was going to jump into my blind spot, but I just needed to know which direction he would go in order to intercept him. Sending a portion of magic to enhance my legs, I preformed the ‘Moving Stance’ technique at such blinding speed that Assassin had hardly taken half a step towards the shed beside us before I reached him. There was nothing he could do at this point. He was completely at my mercy. Channeling all the energy I could to my fists, I preformed Super Bajiquan ultimate technique ‘Hundred Postures of Death’ and sent both my fists careening into Assassin’s chest. That strike was so mighty that it ignited the hydrogen in the air and caused an explosion. The shockwave that resulted could be felt for miles and tore up the ground beneath us. The force of the attack rocketed Assassin into the air at Mach 3 speed. This also caused Zouken (who was no more than a few meters away from the attack) to be launched out of his hiding spot. It was over for the old kook. Having been exposed out in the open, he was completely helpless - and with assassin in the middle of his nonstop flight across Japan, the old man did not have anyone to hide behind. I seized the cretin by the head and held him with one hand, as if holding an orange. It was then that I saw his limbs begin to tingle, and dozens of those revolting insects began slithering out of his sleeves – but I knew this would happen. For a long time I had known about the undignified way which he stayed alive. Many evenings were spent in puzzled contemplation, or in the church archives researching about how a man like this could be definitively killed. Weighing the strengths and weaknesses of the magic used by the Matous’s, it took years just to pin down a theoretical method of cleansing him from the earth. It was only by the skin of my teeth that I had completed my ultimate weapon in time. Had the 5th Holy Grail War started a mere season earlier, I would not have been prepared. I opened a secret pocket on the inside of my frock and withdrew “The Device” - there were many possible names that I thought of for it, but no single one could be decided on.


**Part 3:** “The Device” was a 29 oz. can of Raid, ingeniously duct taped to a frag grenade. Never has the church collection plate money been used to fund an invention more worthy than this one. There was no time to admire my handy work, however. I pulled the pin out of the grenade, and shoved the devilish device down Matou Zouken’s pants. That done, I ran from the scene as fast as my legs could carry me – grinning all the while. An explosion rang out behind me soon after, and I knew that the Lord’s work had been done that day. The extremities of the day’s battles all bore down on me as I arrived home at the church.I turned on the radio to provide background noise during this painful work, but the sounds of the news that day barely registered. I recall hearing witnesses who swore that a newly discovered crater in southern Tokyo was caused by a UFO crashing into the ground just a few hours before the broadcast. Dozens of people who had run to the smoldering hole claimed to see a vaguely human creature laying in the center unconscious. I gave a scoff of contempt at these unhinged conspiracy nuts and the nonsense they spouted. Shortly thereafter, I drifted off to sleep. I awoke late the next day in high spirits; for that night I would finally have my wish granted by the Holy Grail. After receiving a good 20 hour nap, I had gained back some of my strength. I did not have much time to make preparations, so I grabbed the few tools I needed, and set out for Ryuudou Temple. The fighting there had ended, but it did not matter anymore. Sakura was already deep into labour, and we were all about to witness the miracle of birth. That certainly didn’t stop Shirou, however. He marched up to the helpless Sakura – who tried desperately to fight him off. The young Matou had become a strong independent single mother, and she didn’t want Shirou involved. Emiya Shrou didn’t care, of course. He was as determined to possess his “squeeze” as he was to abandon the responsibilities of parenthood. He projected a gruesome knife, and attempted to abort the baby right there. I was beyond horrified. Shirou had abandoned his ideals, and had now become what he hated most: the villain of the story. I thought all our struggles had come to nothing, but what happened next was nothing short of a miracle. Through God’s divine intervention, the child was still alive. His bond from Sakura had been severed, but the fetus remained viable. I praised the heavens and was overjoyed. To my great sadness, the jubilation I felt did not last long. No, it did not last long at all… Shirou had already become a villain by that point, but in the next moment he became something much, much worse. Not satisfied his failure to execute the fetus struggling for life in front of him, Shirou took his wickedness one step further. He was no longer performing a late-term abortion; he was now going to commit infanticide. I could not fathom this. How could a boy – however moronic he may be – become so self-serving and sociopathic that he would kill an innocent newborn? This could not happen. This WILL NOT happen. If this sinner was to become the ultimate villain, then I would embrace my destiny as the protagonist and become the ultimate hero to stop him – and then finally I might become worthy enough for that grail/sky hole to be a heroic spirit. I leapt down from where I was perched and landed between Shirou and the newborn. I threw my arm forward to point at Shirou defiantly, and cried, “Stop right there, evil-doer! I will not let you kill him!” I took a quick glance behind me to make sure that the baby was still doing well, and I noticed that this little miracle had already begun displaying those innocent mannerisms that mothers always find so adorable: such as staring into your soul venomously, and glowing demonically red. Emiya Shirou looked shocked to see me, but before I could begin to talk him down, the villain launched into a hateful and unhinged diatribe. He declared that the baby must be killed; that it is evil and would bring misery to everyone. Shirou said all this without the self-awareness to realize this could have easily been used as a reason to kill him when he was born. I entered my fighting pose and cut off his hate speech by yelling, “Enough of your woke left-wing bullshit, Shirou! Prepare to taste the FISTS OF JUSTICE!!” Within a split second, desperation tightened every corner of Emiya’s face. He reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a weapon that I was more than familiar with: The Azoth Sword. “KOTOMINE KIREI!!” he cried out like a wounded animal, and charged holding the dagger pointing forward. I watched as the determined figure rushed at me closer and closer. The blade was now only a few feet away from meeting my chest, squarely where a heart would normally be located. There was great power in Shirou’s movements as he lunged forward thrusting the sword out to stab me. Then, I took one step to the side and dodged the blow. The young man now met empty air, and was falling forward off-balance. As his body sailed downwards where I was just standing, I calmly lifted my right arm high above my head, and then whipped it downwards to chop Shirou in the back of the neck. This strike greatly accelerated his fall, and his face collided with the ground, causing a loud “CRACK” to echo through the air. Did he really expect that to work? Who in their right mind would imagine that I – a martial arts specialist – would just stand there not moving and watch a 17 year old run up and stab me? I think it is safe to say that anyone who could imagine such a ridiculous death for me is a shitty writer and a hack. His body was now limp and motionless, and, as the hero, I proceeded to phase 2, and started stomping down on the back of his head with the heel of my boot. Tremors shook the ground with each blow, and I could hear nearby trees snapping from the violent jolting. The ground burst outwards from the impact, and with each stomp we crashed deeper into a widening crater. It was in the midst of this fierce battle between good and evil that I think I finally understood Kiritsugu after all these years. Surely this was the sense of pride that made him wish to become a hero of justice. It was a moment of clarity that has stayed with me ever since. I finally felt your sense of justice, Kiritsugu. This one’s for you, old friend. My stomping ceased. Shirou and I now found ourselves in a veritable canyon that stretched out hundreds of feet in both directions. I grabbed Emiya by his red hair, lifting him first to his feet, and then up off the ground. My next attack was Super Bajiquan technique “10 Penances for a Fool”; I flung him upwards into the air by a few feet; which tore some of his hair off. Then, as he fell back down to my level and was about to hit the ground, I wound back my arm, and decked him in the chest cavity. Time seemed to freeze for a brief moment as Shirou’s body hung suspended in the air while registering the mighty blow and reacting appropriately. I then preformed Super Bajiquan technique ‘88 Gifts from Nakata’; I clasped my hands together, and raised them above my head before hammering Shirou into the ground like he was a nail being hammered into a piece of wood. The resulting impact must have driven him a kilometer deep into the ground. It took some time for Emiya Shirou to heal and climb out of his hole. By this time, his flesh seemed to be pierced by dozens of metal shards; which jutted outwards from under his skin. I then stabbed him in the liver. I reached into my pocket and withdrew my final black key. With one in each hand now, I chopped off both of Shirou’s arms. Then I stabbed the unarmed man in the chest, and finally, the throat. Shirou was still on his feet, but from what I could tell, he was one good push away from destruction. I grabbed him by the shoulders to hold him in place. Next, I wound back my right leg and preformed Super Bajiquan technique “96 Generations of Celibacy”; this brought the full, gargantuan force of my knee into Shirou’s manhood. The resulting impact caused a jet blast of wind so violent that it generated an F4 tornado. It was a good thing that I held him by the shoulders so securely, or he may have flown away and reached escape velocity. This was one of my favorite techniques, for it came with the curse that brings irreversible damage both to the victim’s body, as well as their soul. This meant that even if the soul was captured and put into another host, the family jewels would still not be operational. He would live for eternity as half a man, and every incarnation would make him wish for death; what YUETSU! Shirou gave out such a high pitched shriek that all the dogs in Fuyuki City started howling uncontrollably. Then, he fell on the ground and began twitching. I did not need to do anymore. His death was inevitable, and I was not going to speed up the process for him. Our battle caused so many thunderous roars and explosions that many residents the next day believed Earth was under attack. Coupled with the previous reports of UFOs crash landing, the city became hysterical and believed that aliens had made the first strike against our world. Riots broke out, countless cosplayers were assaulted, and rolls of tin foil vanished from store shelves. But this Holy Grail War was over at last. Now it was just a young man (?) on the ground with a hero standing over him. The deeply wooded area surrounding Ryuudou Temple, which had just seemed to be in the midst of cataclysm, was now strangely peaceful – were it not for the tornado that was barreling down the mountain. The heavily-wooded area that surrounded the temple was being ripped apart as trees were torn out from by their roots. I could have sworn that I had seen a white-haired girl dressed in some sort of religious wear being launched into the air towards the eye of the tornado. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.


Your honour, take a good, long look at the world, and tell me, what's the real problem? This man's creepy smile, or the state of this overpopulated world?


He's a Catholic priest. There's no way that I can make him look good, but there's also practically zero chance of him not getting away with his crimes.


He's hot


Your honor my client clear wanted to know what makes him happy and he won’t find happiness behind bars


I love how all the responses are just Saul Goodman.


Your honor, he was having fun, and he can actually perform miracles! No way this guy is guilty.


Your Honor, my client is just that based


A lawyer would twist the truth to get a favourable ruling for their client, so… “Your honour, my client went mad after his wife’s suicide, followed by the influence of an evil god and a meddling king during a fragile moment before and after he was killed by the most dangerous assassin in the world. He never received any sort of psychiatric treatment despite the need he had for one. He clearly was not responsible for his actions.”


*Stands up, looking dead inside.* Your honor, I’m out. *Moonwalks out of the courtroom and proceeds to fly to Alaska.*


Your honor, my client was under the influence against his own will. An aggressor incapacitated him before intoxicating him with what he calls “grail mud”


Your honor, my client has spent a large portion of his life looking after an incredibly old man and the many children he adopted *cough (stolen) cough* after that one whack explosion awhile ago. Not only did he taken on these burdens of his own volition but he has also found happiness and meaning for life in his labor.


My honor my client truly cares for his student Rin Thosaka truly that is worth something that he didnt end her life right away when he came to kidnap a snall child..... i mean holy grail.


Your Honor, this man beside me is a man of faith and god, after the death of his beloved friends and master he not only helped is daughter but his servant too. He helped a young man lost in a war who wasn't supposed to be in and tried to give a young child a chance in this world, and thus despite everyone saying that this child will be the coming of the end for the humanity. Yes he may have or have not killed a lot of people in the process, but still his intention were pure


Your honour, can a man with this big daddy milkers be guilty?


Obvious karma farming stop pushing this crap in so many subs..


Your honor League of Legends


Not Guilty and free of all charges!!!




Your honour, my client just wishes to learn how to enjoy life, the rights that we all have! Does your honour wishes to deny his rights of having fun?


Your honor, I assure you that even though he is clinically dead, he spared the lives of millions fighting a man whose wish is deemed too big for the omnipotent wish-granting device, the Holy Grail.


Your Honor, my client has on countless occasions saved the lives of innocent children! ~~Granted it was just to see them all suffer and despair more...but thats beside the point.~~




Mozgus from Berserk, if only for his design/facial expressions and him smacking people with his book. Justin Law from Soul Eater was pretty cool.He could turn into a guillotine.


A bit off topic. But has there ever been a religious anime character who did not had their entire personality revolved around their religion? Like, have there ever been an anime character who just happens to be religious? Instead of RELIGIOUS!!!


Your honor my client was just doing a little trolling


Your honour the Gospel music made him do it.


your honor,he was just teaching Gilgamesh how to do a little trolling


*Your honor,he was just* *Teaching Gilgamesh how to do* *A little trolling* \- TwiceTrash11 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")


Your honor, my client cannot be the imposter! Look at that smile! No way he’s sus!


Your honor, my client only stabbed his teacher on the back as nothing more than a goof! A goof! Your honor would never make the mistake of putting a good man of God in prison for something as simple as a goof that got a little out of control! Think of all the lives and souls he has saved up to now, your honor. A true man of God would never, *never* consider something as heinous, evil and perverted as murder. Your honor... His teacher *wanted* to be stabbed... And my client did so as nothing more than a goof!


Your hour my client was survivor of the great fuyuki gas leak and has made it his life's goal to not only be involve in other gas leaks incidents but has proven to be a true priest and man of faith in maintaining the old church, baptiesing the elderly residence fuyuki and has taken care of many orphans in his time here in our fair city


No-no, its not "Die Shirou, die!" its german for "The Shirou, the!"


Your honor, he’s merely a mapo tofu chef running a small time mapo tofu business in the middle of Fuyuki city.


He shares his Mapo Tofu


Your honor, my client was just bored


Your honor my client will be taking the insanity out plee


Your honor, mapo tofu


Your honor, my client clearly stated that he was "dead ass" before beating up those high schoolers.


"Your honor, with all my respect, do you really believe a man of God can commit all those crimes. He was approved by high ranking church members on multiple occasions, took care of orphans and relocated them into better places after the terrible fire in Fuyuki not to mentione he takes care of his friends daughter and manages her finances. What we see here is a true priest and a devout believer. Just look at his honest smile. I also must add the accuser of my client , the red haired one , has confirmed mental issues and severe PTSD. Simply none of these accussations has a solid proof or motivation behind them." Saul Goodman moments before saving Kotomine Kirei from fake accusations


Your honour, if any of us want to leave this room in one piece, I suggest you listen to him.


I am not crazy! I know he kidnapped those kids. I just – I just couldn’t prove it. He covered his tracks, he got that blonde asshole to rejoice with him. You think this is something? You think this is bad? This? This chicanery? He’s done worse. His wife! Are you telling me that a woman just happens to kill herself like that? No! He orchestrated it! Kirei! He ate extra spicy mapo tofu! And I saved him! And I shouldn’t have. I took him into my list of favorite characters! What was I thinking? He’ll never change. He’ll never change! Ever since he was 9, always the same! Couldn’t keep his hands out of the yuetsu! But not our Kirei! Couldn’t be precious sexy priest Kirei! Rejoicing them blind! And HE gets to be a priest? What a sick joke!


A man with this much skill in open heart surgery shouldn’t be put in jail


He did it for the Vine


Your honor, he has prevented the birth of over 100 children by slauthering children, thus keeping the population level down, preventing the eventual destruction of humanity. Also, look at that smile. That smile is of one who is not guilty of anything, but being innocent.


Your honor…feet. I rest my case.


I would make a pro life joke but given recent events I don't feel confident in my ability to navigate that minefield.


To be fair, your honor, my client was in “goblin mode”.


Your honor Kotomine has served the Church for over 30 years, his dedication and love for the Church surpassing even the love for his wife and daughter. It was through this journey he came to understand duty and enjoyment. If I may your honor, I give you a sample of Kotomine’s journey of faith. *gives all the court Mapao Tofu* Taste this dish which Kotomine perfected during his stay in Fuyuki. *Courts proceeds to die unable to process the spicy truth and dedication that is the embodiment of Kotomine* I rest my case, seeing there’s no argument opposing *Kotomine you suck* What was that? *Dont harass the priest Actually Satan!* Me and Kotomine: Hmmm sounds right


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if you pursue capitol punishment for this man of the cloth, you have to remind yourself one simple thing: people DIE when they are KILLED. Think about that. Now my esteemed opponent of the prosecution may have mountains of evidence, testimony from witnesses AND the defendant himself, and everything else needed for a slam dunk conviction. However just because he's correct, doesn't mean he's right.


"Your honor, he is a priest. As a priest he would never do-... Oh wait, never mind."


He Is just a man finding hjs happyness and meaning in life


Is there something wrong with letting a man be happy? Your honor, I believe Mr. Kotomine here to have been in a pursuit of happiness and no ill intent.


Me: Your honor. How is your lovely wife? The one with the blonde hair, tan, and with the tattoo of "Sexy" on her lower part? The one with no wedding ring? Your wife dresses rather sultry for a wife. \*I "accidentally" open my briefcase to show a huge picture of the judge having sex with said prostitute to the judge, with a pile of photos, and then quickly shutting it.\* Me: Whoopsie. I apologize. My suitcase is latch is broken. I would like to say adultery is a sin. Mr. Kotomine is no sinner, for he is a man of God. A faithful man to his wife til she died. Tell me, your honor. Does that sound like a guilty man to you?


Kids had it coming. Clearly self defence. And it was Goldie over there who was the mastermind of everything anyway.


"Your honor, my client Mr Kotomine was merely trying to save the city from a gas leak caused by children trying to bomb the city IN WHICH MR KOTOMINE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT!!"


Your honor in his defense it was the will of god and all through our history all situations can be explained by a higher being in the universe.


Someone give this man a mapo tofu


Your honour my client is but a humble priest who already had to deal with an autocratic father, had to obey the orders of some wannabe sorcerer, then was set astray by the actions of a thousands years old diva and who was left traumatized by the ones committed by the heinous criminal kiritsugu emiya. My client is clearly a victim of circumstances and can in no way be held responsible for the actions committed by his obviously unstable mind. How much more does my client need to suffer your honour?


"Your Honor, this man, who has endured loss over and over in his life - his wife, his child, and his father - virtually died himself in the flames of Fuyuki! "Even after that shock, he saw the Fuyuki orphans and, out of the kindness of his heart, adopted all of them, housing them inside his very own modest rectory. "With gentle voice and tender smiles, his inspiring example led to them also giving of themselves to help another. "On top of all of of these duties, he took on the burden of guiding and supporting another orphan, the little girl of his mentor - a wonderful man, husband, and father whose own family had, for centuries, used their great wealth to encircle Fuyuki protectively from any evil that would dare to enter the city- a man who died in Fr. Kotomine's arms, the very same day of the disastrous gas leak. "His mentor's daughter has, under his tutelage, grown to a spirited, beautiful, intelligent, and highly talented young lady that would have made her parents proud, both her father and mother, whose own health and, ultimately, her life, was cut short from injuries sustained during the hours leading up to the Fuyuki disaster. Could we, as a society, deprive ourself of the services of such a man of God?"


Me : well you see judge uh he's a great priest and his flocks adore him he's totally innocent The judge :what about the bodies in his basement Me : well they died in a fire and he didn't know that Kotomine :I started it The judge : did he just state he did it Me internally :FUUUCK Me : uh no you see he accidently did it he didn't mean to Kotomine : I did intentionally Me internally :for fucks sake Me :you know what he's fucking gulity hope he burns and dies


He is ACTUALLY a good person. His entire purpose is to protect what is born or is about to be born. Everything aside from that, he doesn't give a shit


Your Honor, this is strictly an internal matter. We already have a therapist in our organization who is prepared to see Mr. Kotomine. She is one of our top members, with a high success rate of putting people on the right path of love.


He loves mapo tofu. Would a bad person like such a lovely dish? I rest my case.


“Your honor, he is just doing God’s work and he is a man of God. Look, people swear on the bible in court so you should understand.”


Your Honor, it was for the Vine.


Your honor, he was genuinely happy when a shounen could yorokobe because his dream could become true. How is it possible that a priest with a pure soul that takes satisfaction in other people's happiness could have done anything wrong or be guilty of any bad behavior?


"Your honor, my client was simply born defective."


"Your honor, Kotomine Kirei is a staple of his community. Even after losing his beloved wife and being estranged from his child, he still caregives for the unfortunately orphaned Ms. Tohsaka, as well as helping the Christian community, and the police when it comes to looking for lost children. He Is a pillar of Fuyuki, and the only thing he is guilty of is being a stand-up citizen."


"Your honor, my client simoly found himself in a silly goofy mood."


I just remembered AA with how it was almost Christmas therefore it wasn't Christmas. "Your honour, my client almost allowed the birth of Angra Mainyu. "Almost", therefore Angra Mainyu wasn't born. Instead he saved Emiya Shirou on multiple occasions and stalled him long enough for Illya to save him in the true ending of the Heaven's Feel route."


[Me as a lawyer: Fuck it. Chewbaca defense](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV6NoNkDGsU)


He generously provided housing to dozens of children.


Your honor this great man blew Rin's tohsaka family fortune in church donation because he knewit would make her a spoilt little brat