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yougoddangfool

hold your breath


jeezburger69

Wait does that actually work? Is there any explanation?


MechnoSamurai

I read it somewhere that on holding breath the body starts to switch off unnecessary bodily functions(or redirect blood supply to essential organs) to preserve oxygen, boner being one of them. Might be wrong answer but the method works.


jeezburger69

That would make sense. Pretty cool, thanks!


realtooreal

Tell it to go home.


Penguin_Eggs

Like Happy Gilmore yelling at a golf ball.


Yeet_ffs69

Hiding it in the boxer strap.


UnknownNativez

Dude I do that all the time, when you go to stretch and your shirt lifts up. Not fun.


ass3exm

The trick is having a small penis, so that the strap covers the head.


poweredbyford87

Oh good so I'm mint then


flourishane

It hides your boner and it feels cool. One time I did it and almost blew a load in my belly button. Edited: misquoted


JunglePygmy

Blew a load in my belly button* I just went from 6 to midnight.


radicalstyar

What?


NewUser5391

# It hides your boner and it feels cool. One time u/flourishane did it and almost blew a load in his belly button. #Edited to match u/flourishane's edit


ssaxamaphone

Unfortunately, not every guys boner can bend


ManyPoo

If you apply enough force anything can bend


anna_or_elsa

... and break. Friends GF came down the wrong way (she was on top) during sex and snap, yes it makes a cracking sound. Be careful out there men... take that extra second to ensure you have a go on trajectory before acceleration phase. Or maybe I should say be careful ladies... oh hell both of you slow down when you have unintended Coitus interruptus.


minus4k

Only works if yours is an upper, not a downer.


Slavic_Squat1

Do they make those?


minus4k

Sure! Uppers, downers, straights; they make ones with funny bends and ones that don't seem to stick with any one direction in mind. You can even find some with a bend like a fishhook.


movingmoonlight

As someone who doesn't have a penis, I can't tell whether you're joking or are completely sincere.


CMxFuZioNz

Sincere. Penises come in a wide variety of shapes.


IrishPrime

Sincere. Every dong is different. I bend slightly upwards and curve to my left. I've seen enough others to know that isn't the case for everyone, but also that there's nothing wrong with mine, as lots of other dudes' curve or bend. Bodies are different.


ViolentSkyWizard

Mines a downer.


jaunty_chapeaux

Yeah, I'll say.


theyusedthelamppost

put my arms behind my head for a big stretch. The body gets the message about redirecting blood flow quite quickly.


philosifer

Now I just look like I'm presenting it


DefNotThrowAway711

That's the whole point. Because your penis has social anxiety it's gonna try to hide itself.


blockypikachu

Bruh even my penis has social anxiety


Ooooweeee

It even has a cool little hood to throw over itself.


AlexTheViking06

Emo penis


pATREUS

>**Wikipedia** Emopenis (/ˈiːmoʊ /-niːz/) is a small town in Greece. Founded before 2,000 BCE it now trades in goats and small plastic trinkets.


BrockN

Goats eh?


DINKY_DICK_DAVE

Goats and tiny plastic hoes


Otis_T_Slim

r/bandnames


The_Sloth_Racer

Thanks, I never thought I'd have that type of image in my head.


AC-AnimalCreed

Mine doesn’t. Poor guy gets cold in the winter without a sweater to put on.


Ghosted67

shivering like a chihuahua


Nobodyville

If I see this, am I required to say "ooh big stretch" like I do for every stretching cat or dog?


Bowdensaft

Is this another one of those universal experiences that no-one talks about? It's so much fun to say.


ZapTap

... I thought that was just me lol


hariskhanzi

Instructions unclear: arms now broken


seanular

#ಠ ͜ʖ ಠ


bobillian1

Mom?


Spddracer

The internet never forgets.


Concrete__Blonde

[That was 9+ years ago. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)


antipodal-chilli

Seems like only yesterday.


Indianize

It probably was for you.


BrilliantHolmes

Hope you got a good mom


Guyintheorangeshirt

I just learned what this reference meant an hour ago and I wish I hadn't


masegovia

The reference, Mason, what does it mean?!


IMayBeSillyBut

[Don’t say we didn’t warn you…](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/) Edit: more specifically, [this ](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)


briareus08

LOL, so many new inductees...


TheSilversky64

These sweet summer children.


iWizardB

Should we tell them about Jolly Ranchers?


TheDirtyMullet

Jolly Rancher: 7/10 Jolly Rancher with rice 10/10 Thank you for your suggestion.


Skylocks20

What the fuck.


Ravengm

EVERY THREAD


CreepyEyesO_O

Wait does this actually work


CubingB

Either bust a nut or flex your thighs or muscles in your arm for a minute or two


ColdRabbit9995

Doesnt work it makes mine harder


jihwanalexlee

doesnt work if you flex your third leg


topoftheworldIAM

Well the goal is to unflex the third leg


NorthernAvo

Yeah but if you flex it it should tire out


zenofire

Instructions unclear. Boner stuck in a tire


FatherDuncanSinners

How'd you get it in the valve stem though?


ninno_g

As if it weren't embarassing enough, you now catch a kid full raging erection but now flexing the shit out every muscle in his body like he's straining to take a poo he's held in for 3 days because he didn't feel like pooping yet


Skill3rwhale

I've never understood why this isn't taught in mandatory sex education.


az226

I’m glad I learned this trick not too long ago. I was getting a massage and it was the second half when you face up. I undress fully because it’s easier to do various muscles like the glutes and things. But this time the way the sheet was folded, it got tucked in and somehow midway though it caught my rod (uncircumcised) and the massaging motion on the thigh was moving the sheet just enough to make it rub against the skin to go up and down. While the little man was starting to pitch a tent, I knew I could try to move the sheet but that would put instant attention to said tent in the making, so I flexed my other thigh and steadily it stole the blood away. My eyes were closed and I have no idea if the half mast was noticed or not. I felt a bit embarrassed and tipped well. Haven’t told a soul except now. Bottom line, the thigh flex works!


[deleted]

I wish I knew about this when I was young enough to worry about random boners. Me? I forced horrible, disgusting thoughts into my head in order to kill it.


Stressed_Member

That sounds like a great way to end up with a horrible fetish.


Vitality-420

Haha, more like it IS a great way to end up with horrible fetishes!!


funnytoss

For what it's worth, most masseuses know that it's a normal (involuntary) thing and won't take offense.


sportstvandnova

I used to work at an upscale hair salon that had a spa as well, and one time this guy asked one of the aestheticians (who did nails, ACTUAL facials, skincare, massage) to finish him off. She of course hurriedly and disgustedly said no, left the room so he could get dressed and leave. He left, she went back in to find a pile of spunk on the sheets. SMH.


Dzjar

Yo wtf


FrancoGYFV

"ACTUAL facials" really got me, lmfao


We_Are_Legion_Now

This is the most disturbing thing I heard today


VLC31

This reminds me of an episode of Friends where Phoebe was massaging Rachel’s Italian boyfriend. She was telling all the others about it and she said something like “it was like a tent, Boy Scouts could have camped under it!” Always makes me laugh.


Arianafer

Most massage therapists don’t care. Don’t draw attention to it, and don’t make it weird and it won’t be weird. Ya did good.


facewithhairdude

Sounds like a happy ending to a hard situation.


Mardanis

I once had an hard on in class, the kid next to me was speaking so the teacher thought it was me and made me move seats. Man that was difficult to hide and terrifying.


SLICKlikeBUTTA

We've all been there..... girls got their periods unexpectedly and we got called to the front of the class with boners.


highlandviper

School bus boners were the worst. The vibration brings it on and then you’re praying it goes away before your stop. Otherwise you’ve gotta walk down the aisle with your bad at your crotch. Pray no one notices. That’s not so bad because the narrow aisle gives you an excuse to have your bag at your crotch. But then you’re out on the street with a boner and no logical reason to be standing with your bag at your crotch.


Binwal

They had a section about this in my sexual education class.


GhOsT_wRiTeR_XVI

Am I the only one here who just tucks it up into my waistband?


Mgooy

A mate of mine did that when he got a boner on the train, then when he got to his stop he reached up to get his bag and his erect dick came out, facing the window and the crowded platform outside


OrakelvanBoLo

"Mate"


arwilson521

Alternatively, what's the fastest way to get a boner?


Winterspawn1

Waking up


Blastspark01

Well waking up means you have to fall asleep first which usually takes forever. I think the real answer is Natalie Dormer


Elevated_Dongers

Casually explained guy, is that you?


Ok_Astronomer_3439

A slight breeze if you're under 30.


Actual_Opinion_9000

2 hours of concentration if you're 40


die_piggy

Margaret thatcher naked on a cold day!


BrokenNorthern

Baseball. Cold Showers. Baseball. Cold Showers.


Ok-Ad-2226

Flex your thighs


handballfeen

Where was this comment back in HS math class?!?


Bionic29

Luckily I saw the same advice on here back when I was in high school. Helped me out many times


Meowzebub666

I can not fathom having reddit and a smartphone in high school. How the fuck would I have got anything done? Not that I got anything done regardless, but at least I felt like I had a choice..


ktroj202

I would've cheated more than I already did.


KirbyBucketts

Hold on, I'm gonna test this out, ​ Well I'll be,


8th_Hokage

Did you go out of your way to give yourself an erection?


CavalryMaid

That's my secret Cap, I'm always hard


Rickrickrickrickrick

Until you flex your thighs


NedPlimpton-Zissou

As a slight modification, if you’re sitting, lift your legs ever so slightly off the ground. Like only a quarter of an inch. And hold them there. It’s a different thing to focus on. And it’s flexes your thighs.


BruThrowaway19

Turn 40


omnifidelity

We answer with a joke not slap everyone with reality damn man.


Adept_Concert_298

Men of reddit over 30. What is the fastest way to get a boner?


psikez

Develop ever weirder kinks and fetishes as tolerance sets in for deviance.


pornaway2nite

well this fucking hit home


km_44

username checks out like a BITCH


BruThrowaway19

So we not gonna tell em about limp boners?


Endless-Nine

Now I'm curious. Make me dread my 40s please


ghostofyourmom

I'm 44. Occasionally when I jerk off, the boner gets **limp**. Everything still feels good so I keep jerkin' cuz *fuck that*, I'm gonna power through out of spite. Sometimes I'll cum (and it's a full, pleasurable orgasm) but I can certainly tell that my dick was only at about half-chub, even at the moment of blast-off. Not every time, mind you. Like nine outta ten times I masturbate, it's a full boner and it all works like a Swiss watch. It's just every once in a while. Full disclosure: I don't exercise, I have a terrible diet, and I smoke cigarettes. Keep yourself healthy and you can probably avoid this problem until your 70s or 80s.


mamefan

41, exercise 5 - 6 days/week, eat healthy, never smoked, married with a kid, same thing happens sometimes


lothartheunkind

I guess this is growing up:(


KingSudrapul

Sing the chorus to Free Will by RUSH: “You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice. If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice. You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill. I will choose a path that’s clear, I will choose free will.” Drops the wood like a charm every time. Edit: thanks for the award!


Dice_Bard

RUSH has the opposite effect on me Edit:according to some comments below rush is also the name of a drug. I want to make is clear I'm actually talking about Rush the band, those drum solos are an actual aphrodisiac.


ihatepickingnames37

Picture it getting a cut by a knife and start bleeding. Instant boner-gone material


Vandechoz

that's definitely someone's fetish


ihatepickingnames37

That someone needs jesus


IMABUNNEH

Why, does he have a knife?


Baronheisenberg

Actually cutting it off with a knife will also work.


pdatt

I quickly slam it in a car door and go about my business.


Yeet_ffs69

Can't feel my legs....


[deleted]

[удалено]


Her0icFern

HULLO UND VILKOM TO THE HURDRULIK PRES CHANNEL


AlwayzCool23

DANKS FUR WOCHING PLIS SUSCARIBE


prodiver

VAT DA FUK!


Willowbrancher

HOLII SHIITT, IT ESPLODED!!!


jiayo

But will it blend? Edit: of COURSE THIS is my most upvoted comment.


VolrathTheBallin

Don’t breathe this!


Mr_Karma_Whore

I can’t feel my legs when I’m with you but I love it


ToxicRabbit443

I like the microwave


Lookingforawayoutnow

Id imagine being jerked off like youre trying to get ketchup out of a glass bottle.


Ralfarius

Shoving a butterknife in the opening?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Crumb-Free

The internet back that was quite fantastic.


Scorpioraven

It was wild I'd come home from school and watch someone die within the first 5 min of logging online.


freakyvoiz

You misspelled “lawless wasteland”.


scootscoot

Beautiful.


bruinsbanker

finish the mission


JakeBolt

Good soldiers follow orders. Edit: The Nightmare... The mission... they're over...


lilafrika

At ease soldier


iHateYou247

The real answer


ElMerroMerr0

The only answer.


rawldo

The hardest answer


ami2weird4u

The cockiest answer.


deego_

Straight up


zombieblackbird

Don't light the fuse unless you want to ride the rocket


Code_97

Think about how depressed you are and it will go away.


STFAU

This is the way


KoreaRiceBox

Think about my life.


TheAnswerIs-Time

I think the goal here is to not remember being fucked.


[deleted]

[удалено]


RexLovanium

Rogue, Storm, Emma Frost, Beast... It´s not working


MainSeparate2964

Wait. Beast?


TheJase

Especially Beast.


LifeArrow

Well, I guess he's a Beastie Boy.


DarthCallidous

*IIIIIIIII* CAN'T STAND IT, I KNOW YOU PLANNED IT! IMA SET IT STRAIGHT, THIS WATERGATE!


MaximumSubtlety

I can't stand rocking when I'm in here 'Cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear


bubblegum--pink

Mystique lol


GOOSEHOWERD

COME ON MAN


fireanswer

This is correct. Cumming on a man usually helps


KecemotRybecx

Am gay. Can confirm.


therealcapthowdy

Listen to Alanis Morissette.... I don't know why, but it does it every time.


idiopathictendencies

Hand in my Pocket?


photobusta

Nuns playing basketball with my grandma.


4JLF

Think about family :)


MainSeparate2964

Did someone say family?


[deleted]

[удалено]


hoveringintowind

And according to pornhub a MILF is mid twenties.


Qwsdxcbjking

That's a GILF in Liverpool.


MysticDelusion

*Dom smashes the door open*


[deleted]

[удалено]


FlarpyChemical

I'll come back and award you when reddit drops another free one. Well played.


TC_Knight

Does not work for Dom Toretto


Insaneocaptain

Margaret thatcher naked on a cold day!


MASTERSHEEPNZ

Just Margaret Thatcher will work just fine


weaksaucedude

You can't resist us Mr. Powers


Alibaba_gonnamessya

I drink water, idk other methods


NotSteveHarrington

Boner = blood in pen. No boner = no blood in pen. Remove boner = remove blood TLDR: Flex your shoulders and arms


RedWolfasaur

For a moment there, I thought you were going in a different direction.


Particular_Story4513

Remove blood in pen: remove pen


SupaSpence

literally flex any muscle in ur body other than your penis and it’ll send the blood flow elsewhere


Ohmahtree

What if I flex my bicep, while my hand is around my penis, and then continue to flex my bicep, repeatedly. Its like when you would go to the zoo as a kid, and they'd let you play tug of war with the lion, and like 20 people would line up and the lion would still win.


Casual-Notice

What kind of fucked up school did you go to where they were putting 20 kids in a cage with a lion?


BoyWithAStrangeName

The lion has to be fed...


Doctor_Stinkfinger

Destroy the brain stem. That'll do it every time.


Iwubwatermelon

Think of OP's mom.


ApolloSky110

They asked how to get rid of a boner not get one


Potential_Departure6

Consider taxes.


UsErnaam3

Hold breath, flex arm or leg.


Cathy-the-Grand

This teacher of my girlfriend is, as she has said, attractive. She has asked if she can call me his name in bed as a roleplay teacher/student thing. The trouble is that his name is Mr. Whitaker. Just Like the old man from Adventures in Odyssey that I listened to as a kid. Can't do it. I want good childhood memories out of my sex life.


UglyStru

I had to read this a few times to make sure I was understanding this correctly.


Keltech-talk

Yeeeah, and I’m still hoping I read it incorrectly. Eeek.


NJdevil202

Same, this is an eesh


FortunateSonofLibrty

>Just Like the old man from Adventures in Odyssey that I listened to as a kid Fun fact, I lived with a writer for Adventures in Odyssey for a few years back in 2012. He created a fan website for it when he was a kid back in the 90s, and they actually contacted him and asked him if he wanted to write for them. Totally nuts, the dude was living his dream.


The_Brutally_Honest

"My girlfriend has a schoolgirl fetish. I'm into it, but I just hate wearing the dress."


WhatYouSayWhoYouSay

Uh... Why is it necessary to say *her teacher's name* for a teacher roleplay? That sounds a lot more like she wants to pretend she's having sex with him.